Please

You win.

Just please. Let me take my boy home with me.

And, we will never bother you again. You can live your life as you please.

Envious

Nowadays, I no longer envy those who have much of the most coveted things I wanted. Instead, I am longing to have someone to share a real relationship with. Yes, that kind of relationship that does not hide, evade, elude, forsake and wander. One that stays and will make me stay. One that will take time to listen and share.

Love is not everything in a relationship. That I am certain. There’s respect. There’s trust. There’s time. There’s responsibility. And then, there’s the future. Where am I headed?

Becoming Indifferent

I don't really know what's happening to myself. What I do know is that I have been an escape artist the past days. Most times, I chose to not feel anything. To ignore. To just let whatever thing be. To not care. To not be affected. To become indifferent. It's a lot easier than giving a damn to things and people who do not even care themselves. So, why should I?

My choice was simple. To be stress-free. Ergo, be indifferent and uncaring.

Confession

"We fear the consequences of confession because we've yet to experience the consequences of concealment." Very true. :)

The Tuesday Group

Happy Anniversary Tuesday Group!
More years to come..
:)


Eat, drink and be merry!

The Tuesday Group's 1st Anniversary

Chilipeppers Private Room

Aries is obviously color blinded. GREEN not BLUE. :)

But, it's BLACK for me! No choice.

Discussion: IPPO MAKUNOCHI

CHEERS! But oops, sorry, ICED TEA only for me.

Learning Selfishness

I met up with a friend tonight. On our way home, he talked about the male species and generalizations to his group which even himself cannot be excused from. But among everything he had said, what were etched on my mind are these:

>Apple should learn to be selfish, too.

>If Apple is the one at stake at a situation, she needs to be selfish.

>If it will make Apple feel better, then may be learning selfishness can be her remedy.

>Apple should stop thinking about others and start thinking only about herself.

>If it will only hurt Apple, she needs to protect herself.

:)

When Apology Is Not Enough

Sometimes, sorry can be as ordinary as OK, and as overrated as many expressions used daily. Yes, sometimes, apology is not enough.

If all things can be undone with one "sorry", what is the use of most laws? If you can resurrect dead people by saying "sorry", what is the use of death? If you know you will be forgiven, what is the use of "sorry"?

Yes, because you always think you will be forgiven. Because, that's how most minds work - you commit a mistake, offend someone, ask an apology, be forgiven and forget.

When apology is not enough, I want punishment.

No one harms me with impunity. Even you.

Workbooks and Exercises

I HATE WORKBOOKS.

I HATE EXERCISES.

Turning The Other Cheek

I am flawed. That is one thing I am aware of. People need not rub it to my face, especially people I don't even know of. 

Funny thing about the world today is that many who want to please their ego pick on others rather than see their own flaws. They think they know better. They think they are better. Funniest is that these people actually do not even have the slightest inkling about the struggles, the life of the other person. Simply put, they are just ignoramuses who feast on what is seen by their blinded eyes and heard by their prejudiced ears. 

Please. If you are one of these people, don't flatter yourself too much. Your opinion does not matter. You think you are something to the world. But in fact, you are nothing. I'll bet that even if you vanish into thin air, many would not really notice. And maybe, some would even sing in praises of thanks!

But, instead of retaliating your attacks, I will just turn the other cheek. Besides, you are of no importance to me. And, have it known: I am a person of genteel breeding.

The Declutter and Unload Series: Scared

I am scared.

The uncertainty of it all - is this just an irrational fear?

I hope, it is.

I am scared.

05/29/10

8:35 pm

Daddy

Happy Fathers' Day, Dad!

I have written you hundreds of letters or thousands even, since I learned my ABC's and perfected writing, all of them saying how much I appreciate you and how much thankful I am for having you as my Dad. And today, I will say it again: Thank you for everything. I know I have not been the daughter you expect me to be. Thank you for not disowning me, in spite of all the troubles and heartaches I have caused you. For that, I am sorry. Forever, I love you.

Apple and Popsicle, 2008

I wish you can read this. Maybe, you will, in the future. I hope so.

Here's a song I've always played for the past days. It reminds me of how selfless and loving you are. And how shameless of me to have given you nothing but disappointment.  

No matter whose hands I hold today, I will always remember yours, Dad.Thank you for everything.I love you always.
06/20/10

The Declutter and Unload Series: Expectations and Disappointment

"To whom much is given, much is expected." I have always been familiar with this aphorism since I was a kid. I have always related to it. But today, I find myself in a different role - being the one who expects.

What did I learn? With great expectations come great disappointments. I should have known better. I have been there, being the one bombarded with pressures to meet the expectations of others. I should have understood. I should have done better than just push and push harder. But, what else can I do? What choices do I have? What amends can I make? It was what I felt. Strongly disappointed. Discouraged. Because I greatly expected. I hoped too much.

Now, who's to blame? I don't really know. What I do know is the blame can't be fired at one side alone. In all humility, I accept my part. In all humility, I accept the consequences.

Or maybe, it was really I who was at fault. Because, the disappointment consumes me more than anything now. The disappointment made me think that I was acting for the sake of reacting to a stimulus initiated by another. I thought it was justified. I thought I was being rational.

Understand. There's no better solution but to widen one's understanding. The questions to be asked really are

To what extent should one understand?

Till when one should understand?

If one understands, then why not the other?

How about some action?

How about some concrete, tangible action?

Stop.

There I go again.

Stop.


05/12/10
3:04 pm

The Declutter and Unload Series: Missing Hubby

It has been weeks since he started working for his brother now. I know what he's thinking - "my wife isn't very supportive" or anything else of the same sort.

But, here are my confessions:

> I can't bring myself to support the idea because I know it will take all his time. I may sound selfish but I want his time, nowadays, to myself. I just want him around.

> It makes me feel guilty that he has to work there for me - for us.

> I can't take the idea of him serving other people, when he was born with a silver-spoon in his mouth. It's not that what he does is something degrading. It's not. He's not just meant for it. And though it is nothing to him, it is everything to me. It feels like I'm the one who's in there. But, I must say, I should be proud. And, I am proud of him going beyond what he does in his comfort zone.

> I know his brother depends on him, in one way or another. And I can't go against that. 

> Aside from taking his time, it drains his energy, too. How does this affect me? He's often too tired to talk. Our only way of communication is snores. Or maybe, we do communicate, that is, in our dreams or in our sleep. And though he says he's listening, I know I can't force him to open his eyes just so I am assured that he is indeed into the conversation. It just pisses me off.

But, the truth is, I miss my hubby. Terribly and sorely. If only I can let him drink too many sleeping pills or do that kind of sabotage just so he wouldn't leave, I would. But, still, I can't. No matter how much I want to. Besides, that's what wives do, right? To understand.

Bottomline, I just can't wait for that event to end.

Promise. I'll make it up to him.

04/15/10
10:30 pm

I'll Stand By You

It's nearly five months ago since I first heard this song from a TV series. I didn't know I was already pregnant then. But, there was this something that has got me completely into it. I related to it. I felt it. It was like at that exact moment, I wanted someone to tell me the same thing, "I'll Stand By You". And then, just a month after that, the biggest news of me having a child came. Coincidence? I don't know.

"Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes



Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too
But I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along, cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you baby,
you're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own, I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you
I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you
Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you."

The Declutter and Unload Series: Shamed and Humbled

I was weak. I was shamed. But, I was humbled.

While everyone gathered for the clan picture taking, I could not drag myself to join them. It had been rubbed to my face - I am a disappointment. And to pretend and put on a happy face would be too much. 

Why did I even come when I know everyone was talking about me? Why did I even bother to make my presence felt when I know everyone thought that I am a disgrace to the family? Why did I even thought of "maybe, tonight, it will all change" when everything had indeed changed? Why did I even allow myself to look so pitiful? Why did I even hope that they will come tomorrow? 

I just want them to be there tomorrow. Maybe, that's why.

I have learned my lesson. And I know I am humbled by the mistake I have committed. 

It reminds me: Ohana means family. And family means no one gets left behind. 

Amidst all, I am overwhelmed by the concern and love shown by my parents. I have wronged them. Yet, it is still my welfare they are after for. I have defied them. Yet, they are still after my best interest. I hope they stay. But I know they can't. Maybe, that's why I still came tonight - to be able to spend time with them.

Yes. Now, I know. I came because of my parents. I wanted to be with them before I finally get emancipated tomorrow. I know it's not goodbye but I know they are unprepared for it, especially my Dad. I came because I did not care about the shame. I came because I was humbled by the unconditional love and acceptance I am getting from both of my parents, even though, I know it is hard for them. 

I just wish when I wake up tomorrow they will be the ones to come with me - to my wedding.

03/29/10
12:03 am

The Declutter and Unload Series: Weddings, Marriages, and Hopes

Michael de Montaigne once said, "Marriage may be compared to a cage; the birds outside despair to get in and those within despair to get out."

Earlier today, I was faced with the greatest question in my life - to wed or not to wed? To marry or not to marry? I have always thought that the two has a difference. 

For me, weddings connote festivity. They only chronicle the superficial part of a relationship. They are a ritual, a mere symbolic ceremony. But, I would be a hypocrite to deny that I did not dream of having a Prince-Charles-and-Princess-Diana type of wedding. I believe I am the typical daydreaming girl who hopes for a knight in shining armour who would sweep me off my feet. 


On the other hand,  marriages refer to the responsibility part of getting hitched. I have always believed that getting married means more than getting wedded. Sure, Prince Charles and Princess Diana had the best wedding, attended to by many prominent people, enticed the hearts of many other Cinderella-aspiring girls. But, all they had was a ceremony. While their wedding ended happily, their marriage started suffering brutal blows and eventually ended, too. 


I am sure - I want more than that. 

Once again, I made a choice. The day after next, I am going to get hitched, to get wedded. And I am hoping against hope that while the celebration of my wedding ends, my marriage will continue to flourish - amidst all tempests and temptations. I know nothing comes easy anymore. 

I am praying to God that whatever has led me to commit today, I hope that it will still be there in the coming years (throughout my lifetime), that is, the love I have for my husband-to-be. I am praying to Him that He may always keep the grounds of our relationship fertile, that we may not wither whatever the passing and changing of seasons may bring. I hope God will not allow anyone or anything to put any asunder between us. 

Two days from now, I hope to be married. Not just wedded. That if marriage is indeed a cage, I hope that I would never despair to get out of it, but rather, embrace it as a place where I am truly happy and contented. 

03/28/10

1:55 am

I Took The Road Less Traveled By

"Two roads diverged in a wood,
And I - I took the one less traveled by.
And that has made all the difference. "

Yes, when I found out I am pregnant I made a choice and took the road less traveled by. I am keeping the child. No matter what. 

When the news reached all the members of my family, I was seen as a disgrace. And, I know I can't blame them for how they see me now. I was raised as a devout Catholic. I never lacked guidance. I have the best parents who had given me all freedom to explore the world knowing that I can be trusted because they know that I know what my limitations are. I have solid foundation as far as moral background is concerned. I must confess: This is all on me. 

I know it's not going to be easy with my present condition - unstable in all aspects (physically, financially and emotionally). I must confess: I was weak. I was vulnerable. I was careless. And I am unprepared for these consequences.Of all, I am not ready to give up all the youthful things I planned to do as a twenty-something, as a young professional. 

But, I must also confess: This is not unwanted. It may change the priorities I have. However, surely, this is not my end. This is the start of a life with a new hope. This is not my downfall. I am just at rest, regaining more drive to be better.

03/15/10